DIVORCE - A Survival Guide For Men
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Think before you put anything in writing: email, tweet, letter, etc. Whatever you post online could end up there forever. In the heat of the moment, it might seem funny to take revenge and say some tactless words, post funny pictures of your partner, or shame your partner by disclosing sacred stories shared between the two of you. Ask friends to listen empathetically without much feedback if you need to vent. Pets make great listeners!
Divorce Advice and Tips For Men
Do not use your partner as a dumping ground for your guilt, anger, or remorse. If you have apologies to make for your behavior, let your partner know, and let your partner choose a time to hear this from you. Process your guilt and anger with someone else but exercise discretion. Call your closest friends and family and ask for their support without taking sides or placing judgment on either you or your partner. Ask them to be there for you when either you or your partner moves out, to talk with your children if there are any , and watch your pets while on travel or vacations.
Most people feel helpless as to how they can be a part of your life when you are in transition or crisis. Make a list of some easy tasks or involvement that lets your closest confidants know how much you need them and want them to be a part of your life — on either side of the divorce. Do your best to get adequate sleep, food, and exercise on a regular basis. Schedule it into your calendar like you would meetings for work.
Food and exercise help elevate your mood, as well as give you energy to stay in the game [Music is also an instant mood elevator, as it is pure emotion. Design some playlists of music that makes you feel upbeat and positive — and play it when you wake up in the morning. You need a clear head and steady emotions to handle the many difficult choices ahead. If you have difficulty sleeping or eating because of depression or anxiety, seek medical attention from an MD or a therapist.
The Web is a great resource to find local health practitioners who treat Adjustment Disorder related to stress and transitions such as a divorce. Notify family and hold age-appropriate conversations with your children as soon as you have both made a decision to end the relationship. Have a plan in place, and be open to feedback and negotiation, on how to best care for your children. This person should not be connected to you or her in any other capacity.
A fresh perspective is seldom a poor one. The dirty little secret in some marriages is the amount of verbal, emotional, and physical abuse originating from the woman rather than the man. Shame usually binds these men to silence, but the plethora of websites addressing spousal abuse, custody rights for men, and resources for emotional abuse tell us that you are not alone. Rule of thumb: one month of singleness for every year of marriage.
If you have been married for many years, tell yourself to not be in any hurry to find another partner for any kind of serious relationship — including another marriage. Slow down, take your time, and give an appropriate rest to the relationship you are ending. Set rules for communication with your soon-to-be-ex-partner, including when to end discussions that become heated. If need be, call in an arbiter — a neutral party. Most of these will simply serve to dissociate you from what you need to attend to.
If you ever thought that mediation and yoga might be useful, this would be a good time to investigate. More than Yoga clears the way for mediation to occur. Make a list of the things you enjoy doing, and try to work in one of two of those activities a week, such as shooting hoops with friends or working on a hobby or project.
Enjoyable tasks will help to ground you in the understanding that there is life after divorce. It might actually be fun! Look in your local community college catalog, comb online class offerings, and sign up for lessons in whatever your interest is. The person you are divorcing is not the same person you married. You may never receive answers to your questions about this relationship.
Read books on divorce that are balanced and fair. There is a way to divorce without becoming bitter or tainted. Make notes of the things you need to do. If you are doing a partial separation under the same roof, get reacquainted with your MP3 player and Bose noise-canceling headphones — and be aware that using your PS3 at 2am at full blast is likely going to agitate your mind and hers.
Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss household rules to make this awkward period of time a little easier on the both of you.
And yes, believe it or not, this scenario especially in a down economy is quite common. A mediator or counselor can be very helpful in creating boundaries and rules of a separation under the same roof. If you use the Internet to communicate, refrain from using emotional language. Keep it to business and simple questions.
If the emails are lengthy, remind your partner of the purpose of the communications, and stick to those reasons yourself. If you feel you are being repeatedly harassed by the content of the emails, scan them briefly and save them for a rainy day with your attorney. If you are unsure if you should send a particular email, have a trusted friend read it and make suggestions.
divorce survival guide
Rule of thumb: never send an email when you are angry or exhausted. You want your attorney in your corner, so watch it if you tend to vent your frustrations with a raised voice, expletives, or passive-aggressive threats. Be warned that a collaborative lawyer is not the same process. Respect your needs for a safe and private living space, including temporary accommodations.
If you have your children over to your place, it might alienate them from you. If you are the one who remains in the house, have your partner store or remove her things in a timely manner. Have a friend take a look at your space and make suggestions on what you need to make your space more comfortable and inviting.
Related to your space, people ask Imei what to do with sentimental items, such as pictures and personalized objects i.
Suggestion: gather a few boxes and fill them with the sentimental items. Seal them with tape and store them in an attic or a closet that you do not access on a regular basis. One year from the time of your divorce settlement, grab a friend, open the box, and sort through the items. One recycling tip: remove large pictures of your wedding from its frame, discard the picture, and reuse the frame at a local frame shop with new art. Better yet, learn how to re-frame art yourself and save money.
Make sure to schedule time with your children and your pets. The energy it takes to care for yourself will often displace what you have to give to others. Do your best to communicate how much you care, and how you will make sure that they have access to you as much if not more as before the divorce.
If, when and how to tell that you want to end the marriage
If your children are 14 or older, they have some stake in custody issues. Listen to their needs, recognize that they may need someone to vent anger and fear with including anger AT you , and reserve your own hurt for a session with your therapist, good friend, or family member. Animals are sensitive to your presence and absence, and need more care than just food, water, and exercise. Put your pets on a schedule as well for health care, grooming, activity, and interaction.
Let people give to you [unless the giver is a slithery golddigger — in which case, drop kick her to the curb]. If your sister wants to come over and make a bunch of fresh food to put into your freezer, let her. If your best man-buddy offers to come help you move furniture, say please and thank you. This would NOT be a good time to post pictures of yourself with younger and happier-looking bimbos even IF you paid good money for them at that strip club. As much as that might be ego-boosting to you, it will not get you what you want out of your divorce. In fact, it could score you less leverage in the long-run.
The elation that MIGHT come from retaliation to any perceived or actual wrong-doings is only short-term — and is not itself a solution. We believe it is entirely possible to come out a better person on the other side of divorce. Leave her friends and family out of your fights — and ask her to leave yours out of hers. If necessary, use a mediator or a therapist to help the two of you process the ending of the marriage. This will probably be the most difficult suggestion to follow. They may not be happy, but saying good-bye is part of doing closure on this chapter of your life.
Get tested before further activity, and always use protection. If you decide to have sex with your partner during the divorce, you should also decide what kind of birth control to use. It tends to confuse the issues and pour more hurt on any open wounds. If your partner is resistant to the separation and tries to put the moves on you, you may find yourself in the strange and undiscovered country of saying no to sex.
Are you feeling really low? Do have a look at the fact sheet about men and depression from the Royal College of Psychiatrists you can find the link at the end of the page. In that case, you might want to consider getting some extra professional help and support. There may simply not be enough money for one of you to move out. Neither solution is ideal. In any case, you do need to get legal advice before you decide to move out.
The breakdown of a marriage and subsequent divorce are really tough things to cope with.